Mending While Blending: Lessons Learned Over Time

This photo was in Facebook memories from more than a decade ago.

These kids are all but grown up this summer, and Keith and I are feeling more like empty nesters than parents with little ones on their laps.

Our oldest, Haven, is now 19 and in cosmetology school.

Addison and Kane (17 and 18) are rising seniors who are both exploring college options and the place they want to live for the next stage of their lives.

Matthew is a camp counselor overseeing other young kids at a gorgeous Montana lake all summer.
Looking back, these days with our children were HARD.

It’s tough.

We have great kids, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t fight or feel resentment for sharing THEIR mom or dad and general kids “stuff.”

We did a lot right but also drove ourselves up the wall, trying to make everyone happy.
The reality of parenthood is that you can’t do everything right, and kids won’t always be happy – blended or not.

We learned the hard way that each kid had to be parented differently.
We learned that sometimes, NOT blending was a good idea (separate dates, dinners, outings, etc).
We learned that different households will raise children differently and that all adults must advocate for what’s best for the children TOGETHER.
We have also learned the hard way that things can’t go unsaid or unheard; otherwise, resentment can build, and that can destroy relationships.

If I were entering into a new blended family today, I’d give very different advice than I may have given a decade ago.

I’d tell you the following:

Leave your ego at the door in all things. You don’t have to be right all the time, just be loving and kind.
Remember that loss comes in many forms. Some kids lose their parents through death, some through divorce, but it’s all painful, and children need to be validated, heard, and supported.

Parenting is a lot of give-and-take. Your opinion matters, but so do the opinions and needs of your children. Part of growing up is learning to use your voice respectfully and be heard.

Your ideal of a family’s appearance will probably never come to fruition, regardless of your family dynamics. Give up the idea of perfection and lean into the chaos with love.

When you feel challenged, ask yourself why. What bothers you about your interaction with your new partner or children? It has more to do with your past pain than the current situation.

Don’t compare your new life with your past life. Allow each new interaction to grow into something unique.

What would you add?

Michelle

PS…I love all of these kids so much. It’s been a ride, and I’ve learned so much from them over the years. I’m deeply grateful for this family of mine.