I Wish You Knew…

I wish you knew that when I went through my darkest days of grief, it was harder for to be with some of those people I loved. Seeing everyone’s life stay the same while mine had fallen apart was more than I could handle. I know you love me, so that didn’t make sense to you, but it’s impossible to explain to those who haven’t lived it.

I wish you knew how much I love talking about him. Even all these years later, it makes me smile to hear you tell stories and remind me how he impacted your life. Saying his name is one of the most comforting things you can do for our kids and me.

I wish you knew how horrifically lonely it all was. In fact, lonely does not even start to explain the way it felt. Even in a room full of people who love you-you feel utterly alone without your person.

I wish you knew I was not strong and inspiring and brave…just a survivor. Telling me how strong I was all the time just made me feel like I had to look and be a certain way to continue being “an inspiration.”

I wish you knew how traumatic it all was. From the first phone call and every moment after, it’s more than most humans should be asked to live with.

I wish you knew how powerful shock is on the human body. It makes you feel completely detached and inhuman while looking and sounding well composed and amazingly put together. Well, at least that’s what it did to me….we all handle shock differently.

I wish you knew how badly I will always hurt for our kids. It never goes away; it’s a forever part of who I am.

I wish you knew that you being there for us the first few weeks was great, but I didn’t start to NEED you till later on when everyone left and forgot our pain. I needed you six months down the road, a year, two years. Grief is often harder when the shock wears off, and the real pain sets in. There is no timeline for that pain.

I wish you knew how life altering it all was.

I wish you knew that people aren’t replaceable and new love, new relationships, and new chapters don’t mean we’ve forgotten or stopped loving them. What’s new is new, and it’s incredible and beautiful and provides new stories and life but has nothing to do with the pain of loss.

I wish you knew to let it all go and LIVE before you know what I know.

I wish you knew not to waste your life because time is so very short.

I wish you knew….

Michelle

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